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You are not the only one who is or has had to struggle with this. I'm guessing from your handle that you are 64. I am 69 and grew up in a semi-rural area. Back in those years, the forties and fifties when we were no one was honest and up front about sex. And if we asked questions, we were ridiculed, or beaten, or shunned. If you were a boy and was used by a there was no one to turn to for support because most likely you would have been blamed and ridiculed for your participation. There were a lot of dirty old men then taking advantage of boys and getting away with it. As the previous respondent stated, seek professional help. The easiest way to reduce the tension you are feeling is to talk to somebody about this. Somebody who is not going to attack or condemn you. I just ed "-, Boone, North -" and saw that there were a few listings. Check some of these out. Call and ask what they can do for you. If you can't afford individual counseling, there is often group counseling. From my experience a group is much better for dealing with this anyway. Others differ, but getting together in a room with a bunch of other men and hearing their stories and just realizing that you are not the only one who has had to deal with this is comforting. This, the 's List Bisexual forum is for discussion and if you are willing to share more information, more of your feelings here, you are apt to get more, and maybe better, responses. Just don't expect immediate responses.